April 26, 2010
Today I sat in church and cried for almost the entire service. Because, right now, life sucks.
In the past 4 days so many things have gone wrong that I don’t even know how to start articulating them. So I’m not going to try. Just leave it at Things Really Suck.
And right now I want nothing more than for somebody to give me a hug, make me some dinner, put on some crappy, comfort TV, and be able to tell me it’s going to be OK. I don’t have anybody in my life to do that; and why should I? I feel like I’m really shitty at taking care of myself.
I wish that I could pause life, just for a couple of days. Not have a single obligation, deadline, or commitment. I wish that for those couple of days that I could talk to everyone I needed to talk to and that the people I couldn’t handle just didn’t exist. Just let me stand up again and do what I need to do.
But life doesn’t work that way for me. I get hit with one thing after another after another. In the past four days relationships have ended, people have said things to me that were at best “pretty darn mean,” my car got keyed, my ex-step-father started calling me again to remind me that I’m a huge fuck up, and my mother called to remind me that it’s my fault that she’s a huge fuck up.
All the while my senior project deadline looms ever closer and my pittance of work on it thus far seems more and more pathetic.
A few people from church have made vague attempts to reach out to me today, mostly on facebook, a couple via email. But I don’t want to explain to everyone why I’m upset just to have them validate my upsetedness.
I really do just want a break.
April 23, 2010
As I said in my introductory post I am a relatively new Unitarian Universalist. I came to the religion after we lost marriage equality in Maine. I went to a vigil. I came back because what was said that night meant so much to me.
Talking so people will listen, listening so people will talk, inspiring, encouraging, teaching, learning, moving forward, learning from the past. Ministry.
Effective ministry doesn’t mean you reach every single person. What’s the saying? “you aren’t a five dollar bill. not everyone is going to like you.”
What does effective ministry mean, then? It means that what you say encourages, teaches, is a leaning experience, a jumping off point to move forward to look back and remember and know and grow.
What are your thoughts on effective ministry?
April 22, 2010
Tonight I was talking with my friend Amy who I met at SEAT*. She said something about asking for help not making me less of a man.
It’s such a “very special episode” comment that I sort of rolled my eyes. Of course it doesn’t. But I know where she was coming from. One of the hard things about being a trans guy, especially before anybody really reads you as male, is trying to pick up on the minutiae of daily life that cisgendered men are socialized with from day one. When you don’t conform to those stereotypes then you aren’t “passing” or even *trying* to pass.
But what if I don’t want to conform to what society sees as the standard for male? I only started to accept a male identity after I sat down and had a nice long discussion with myself about how being a guy didn’t mean I had to adopt the more dominant, aggressive types of masculinity. Being a guy doesn’t mean that I have to step down from a single one of my feminist ideals, my sillier characteristics, my love of baking, just like being a female didn’t meant that I wasn’t allowed to race dirtbikes, climb trees, or kick every other student’s ass in AP Chem. Just like we say “girls can do anything!” the obvious corollary to that is “boys can do anything!” The issue there is that “girls can do anything” is usually followed with “that boys can do.” When male is presented as the standard to achieve then why would anybody want to lower themselves to do, be, want, or excel at something “female”?
I know that some of my conscious decisions in life mean that society won’t so readily see me as male. But I’d so much rather live my ideals than push myself into a box to match how society things I should act.
*SEAT = Sexuality Education Advocacy Training; a conference put on by the Unitarian Universalist Association, the United Church of Christ, and the Religious Action Center for Reform Judaism.
April 22, 2010
I’ve been privately blogging for a number of years now, and I blog publicly on a couple of activist sites, but those aren’t my personal thoughts. I figured… hey, why not?
So, a blog.
I feel like I need an intro, even though the only people reading this are likely to be people who know me pretty well.
I am an about-to-graduate college senior living on the downeast coast of Maine. That’s the important thing in my life right now. As to the rest…
Who I am:
- I work with children with autistic spectrum disorders
- I am very politically active, though that’s dropped off in the past few years
- I am transgender
- I am a (relatively new) unitarian universalist and I am sort of sickeningly in love with my church
- I don’t drink, or smoke, or really do anything that most people think of college students as doing
- I am from Los Angeles and consider getting out of CA, away from my family, and supporting myself entirely (though, not always entirely effectively) one of my biggest accomplishments
- I hate cartoons
- I can deliver a damn good speech in front of 500 people (and have, more than once) but I’m monumentally uncomfortable talking to a group of 10 people I know
- I’m scared of the future. And really, really, really excited about it