Today I sat in church and cried for almost the entire service. Because, right now, life sucks.
In the past 4 days so many things have gone wrong that I don’t even know how to start articulating them. So I’m not going to try. Just leave it at Things Really Suck.
And right now I want nothing more than for somebody to give me a hug, make me some dinner, put on some crappy, comfort TV, and be able to tell me it’s going to be OK. I don’t have anybody in my life to do that; and why should I? I feel like I’m really shitty at taking care of myself.
I wish that I could pause life, just for a couple of days. Not have a single obligation, deadline, or commitment. I wish that for those couple of days that I could talk to everyone I needed to talk to and that the people I couldn’t handle just didn’t exist. Just let me stand up again and do what I need to do.
But life doesn’t work that way for me. I get hit with one thing after another after another. In the past four days relationships have ended, people have said things to me that were at best “pretty darn mean,” my car got keyed, my ex-step-father started calling me again to remind me that I’m a huge fuck up, and my mother called to remind me that it’s my fault that she’s a huge fuck up.
All the while my senior project deadline looms ever closer and my pittance of work on it thus far seems more and more pathetic.
A few people from church have made vague attempts to reach out to me today, mostly on facebook, a couple via email. But I don’t want to explain to everyone why I’m upset just to have them validate my upsetedness.
I really do just want a break.