Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me… please?

I am not doing well. I am not doing well in that “there’s a diagnosis for this” kind of not doing well. Depression. Circustantial. There’s a lot of icky stuff going on in my life right now. I’m not exactly holding it together.

You know that game Kerplunk? Basically you have a tall cylinder with a band of small holes around the center. You put plastic sticks through those holes, and then put marbles on top of the sticks. Players take turns removing the sticks and the marbles start to fall, until eventually somebody removes a crucial stick and all the marbles fall out. Right now my life feels like a game of Kerplunk being played by 4 year olds with attention and impulse difficulties. Marbles are dropping, nobody is being particularly careful about which sticks they are yanking out, and meanwhile somebody is jostling the table and another person is running around the room with their underwear on their head, distracting everybody else.

I am not doing well.

I have been spending a lot of time with friends, because I know it’s unhealthy to just say in my unfabulous apartment all day long and dwell on the general suckage of life.

Days suck. Nights are way harder. I haven’t been sleeping well, if at all. We’re talking 2 hours on a good night. Coupled with not eating because I keep throwing up, and a complete lack of things to do I think most of my friends are in agreement that, yeah, I am not doing so hot.

So my friends are trying. They offer me food they think I might be able to keep down, they distract me, they leave me alone, they sorta kinda try to take my cues unless they think it’s the depression talking and not me at which point the promptly ignore me entirely. And I know they are worried so I try not to be too terribly annoyed by that.

Last night, though, I slept. I slept well, for over eight hours, without waking up or even tossing and turning too much. Last night I slept curled up in bed with a friend. Skin on skin contact, gentle caresses, reassuring whispers until I feel asleep (which happened damned fast once I stopped crying). Touch put me to sleep. I’m willing to say that it kept me asleep. It allowed me to feel secure enough to sleep through a night when that hasn’t happened in almost a month.

Touch is so important. I forget that, a lot. I like touch. I miss it. I’m not in college living with my friends and cuddling on the couch or getting hugs from people. I am missing that vital touch that my body craves. I often go days without touching another person. That sucks. It’s icky and it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with us.

We need to touch and cuddle and hug and caress and kiss and hold hands and give back rubs. Sometimes you think you don’t want it, but it’s SO important – at least for me. I need that touch and that warmth and that solid knowledge that I’m not alone, that there are other people in the same sphere I’m in, occupying the same time and space that I do. Connecting our bodies and putting my mind at ease a little.

Go hug somebody today.


8 Responses to “Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me… please?”

  1. Andrew, I’m hugging *you*…long-distance cyber-hugging, but I hope you can feel it all the same. I hope you find a better way forward, and please seek more help if you ever feel you need it… *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* ….

    • -also gives a long-distance cyber hug-
      You deserve it. A lot of it. A lot of love.
      Posts like these make me wonder if people are losing the meaning of love anymore…if it’s all just sex. Not just pure *love* touches. A peck on the cheek, an arm squeeze, a long-lasting hug…
      I’ll make sure to spread the love more often. It’ll be a New Year’s Resolution. ❤

      I also recommend going to Khaos Komix if you aren't there already. You'll understand why when you get to the forums. Some of the home page is a bit graphic though, just a forewarning. But totally worth it.

  2. Thanks, Krystique. I choose not to embed myself in the hotbeds of drama that are internet forums but I’m glad you have a place that works for you.

  3. A big virtual hug from me too. Hugging and cuddling and touch are so important.

    Also, I don’t know if your depression is seasonal, but if it is, have you tried a lightbox? If not seasonal, increase your intake of iron and vitamin C, by eating watercress and vitamin C laden fruit, or taking supplements. This can really help with depression.

  4. I’m sorry to hear you’re not doing well but glad you know of at least one thing that can help you cope. I hope things get better for you real soon!

  5. So I know you have no idea who I am but I stumbled across your blog from the post about the 3 year old kid asking about gender rolls that was posted on tumblr and kinda saved this page because I like what you have to say….welll anyways I suffer from depression and my doctor told me that sleep is the best thing possible to bring you back to that happy place,Well I hope you’re doing better now, and I know that sleeping is hard when you get to that dark place but “Melatonin” is a natural chemical your body makes to help you sleep you can get it at whatever grocery store, I take two when I’m desperate for sleep, it doesn’t hurt you. Hope it maybe helps! P.s. I am going to hug everyone today, you made a goodpoint. 🙂

  6. I know you have no idea who I am but I stumbled across your blog via tumblr when you wrote about the kid asking if you used girl or guy pronouns. Needless to say I followed you because I found what you had to say really important and interesting. Anywho why I’m posting is because I suffer from depression and my doctor told me sleep is the best thing to bring you out of it. Well we all know when you’re depressed you just lay around all day and don’t feel happy and you CANNOT sleep so I have a suggestion! Melatonin: natural chemical your body makes to help you sleep, you can pick it up at a grocery store and take some to help you sleep, its natural doesnt hurt you its not like passing out on niquil. Well I hope you’re doing better and that this comment is really irrelevant. Virtual hugs cuz you live god knows where away but just know people are rooting for ya!


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