I am not doing well. I am not doing well in that “there’s a diagnosis for this” kind of not doing well. Depression. Circustantial. There’s a lot of icky stuff going on in my life right now. I’m not exactly holding it together.
You know that game Kerplunk? Basically you have a tall cylinder with a band of small holes around the center. You put plastic sticks through those holes, and then put marbles on top of the sticks. Players take turns removing the sticks and the marbles start to fall, until eventually somebody removes a crucial stick and all the marbles fall out. Right now my life feels like a game of Kerplunk being played by 4 year olds with attention and impulse difficulties. Marbles are dropping, nobody is being particularly careful about which sticks they are yanking out, and meanwhile somebody is jostling the table and another person is running around the room with their underwear on their head, distracting everybody else.
I am not doing well.
I have been spending a lot of time with friends, because I know it’s unhealthy to just say in my unfabulous apartment all day long and dwell on the general suckage of life.
Days suck. Nights are way harder. I haven’t been sleeping well, if at all. We’re talking 2 hours on a good night. Coupled with not eating because I keep throwing up, and a complete lack of things to do I think most of my friends are in agreement that, yeah, I am not doing so hot.
So my friends are trying. They offer me food they think I might be able to keep down, they distract me, they leave me alone, they sorta kinda try to take my cues unless they think it’s the depression talking and not me at which point the promptly ignore me entirely. And I know they are worried so I try not to be too terribly annoyed by that.
Last night, though, I slept. I slept well, for over eight hours, without waking up or even tossing and turning too much. Last night I slept curled up in bed with a friend. Skin on skin contact, gentle caresses, reassuring whispers until I feel asleep (which happened damned fast once I stopped crying). Touch put me to sleep. I’m willing to say that it kept me asleep. It allowed me to feel secure enough to sleep through a night when that hasn’t happened in almost a month.
Touch is so important. I forget that, a lot. I like touch. I miss it. I’m not in college living with my friends and cuddling on the couch or getting hugs from people. I am missing that vital touch that my body craves. I often go days without touching another person. That sucks. It’s icky and it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with us.
We need to touch and cuddle and hug and caress and kiss and hold hands and give back rubs. Sometimes you think you don’t want it, but it’s SO important – at least for me. I need that touch and that warmth and that solid knowledge that I’m not alone, that there are other people in the same sphere I’m in, occupying the same time and space that I do. Connecting our bodies and putting my mind at ease a little.
Go hug somebody today.